TW : ED

When I tell someone that I take cold showers,

or paint my nails every time I get hungry,

or starve myself for so long I faint when I stand up,

I do not want them to push me towards recovery

I have no desire to get better,

Part of the reason I tell them

is because I want that shocked expression ,

that worry,

but with no real consequences.

The other part,

secretly, deep down,

and the one that makes me feel so fucked up and so guilty over,

is that I want a competitior.

I want them to reply with even worse habits

with ideas,

with inspirations,

I want them to tell me how many days they fasted for

so I can double it.

I want them to tell me how much weight they have lost

so I realize I have lost more.

I want them to compete with me

but lose.

Eating disorders should not be competitive

but god! I am yet to meet a rexie who doesn't burn with rage so hard

I feel the heat radiating off of them

every time they realize they are not the skinniest person in the room.

I tell people sometimes,

because I am so proud of the hurt I've caused my body

Look, look how badly I can treat myself

I bet you can't do that

Can you? Have you? Do you?

Tell me

Tell me everything

I smell food instead of eating it

I spit instaed of swallowing it

I will do anything I can to stop those fucking calories from poisoning me.

It is exhilarating

So please stare at me again and tell me you think I have a problem

Ugh! I am so addicted to your concern.